"The holiest of all holidays are those kept by
ourselves, silent and apart:  the secret
anniversaries of the heart."                                           
                                Henry Wadsworth Longellow






    A few months ago, a TCF writer starting a newsletter, requested permission for its use and this was granted.  Recently, I learned more about its use from the editor.  Just a week after the newsletter was printed, the printer's son killed himself.  At his funeral service, the statement was read as a eulogy. inserting the son's name, James, each time the words "my child" appeared.   The staement was later printed with special lettering and the editor sent me a copy.   Written out of my grief, the statement had come back to me bringing additional comfort because of its use exactly as I had intended.  Truly grief shared is part of the healing process
                                                                            ---Robert F Gloor, 11/29/89, Tuscaloosa TCF

In reading this, a bereaved parent should insert the name (or names) 
of the child who has died instead of saying "my child".

I did not choose to become bereaved.
    Painful as it is, I choose to allow grief to work progressively in me.
I grieve because I loved much, my child died but my love for my child didn't.
    Since I loved, and still love, very much, I expect my grief to be severe.
I realize that each person grieves differently.
    I accept that my wife and children will grieve differently than I do.
As a father and husband, I do have a responsibility to my children and my wife.
    I can best fulfill that responsibility if I grieve and allow them to grieve.
Grief, while very real, is not rational.
    I accept in others what appears irrational to me.
I am a part of my family and of humanity
    I accept the irrational in my thoughts and actions.
Grief need not drive a wedge between me and my family.
    I choose to allow grief to strengthen our family ties.
Unresolved grief continues to produce mental and physical symptoms.
    I must allow the grief process to proceed in me.
Crying is a part of grief and is therapeutic, it is not unmanly to cry.
    I must allow the grief process to proceed in me.
Grieving does not answer the question "Why?"
    Since there is no acceptable answer, I must accept the unanswered question.
My child was a person, is now a person and will be a person in the future.
    I can never forget my child.
I cannot return to the normal that existed before my child's death.
    I must go on to what is now to be normal for me.
Getting on to a new normal does not mean forgetting my child.
    My child remains in my thinking and in my talking now and will be in the future.
I cannot be grateful that my child died.
    I am gratefly that my child lived and I choose to express that gratitude.
I cannot forget the events surrounding the death of my child.
    I choose  to recall the happy memories associated with my chid.
If I allow it to, by my grieving, time will produce a healing.
    I realize that healing does not mean forgetting my child.
I could not control the past, which included the death of my child.
    I do  have some control over the future as I build the future with my family.
My child's death did not happen so that I might become a better person.    
    I choose to allow my child's death and my grief to make me a better person
I did not understand before I joined the fellowship of the bereaved.
    I choose to become more understanding, tolerant and compassionate now.
My grief has created and brought out many emotional needs for me.
    I can help meet those needs by meeting the similar needs of others.
My spiritual beleifs did not die with my child.
    I choose to use them to help me through these difficult years.
Questioning those beliefs and valuues is not wrong.
    I must, as a result of my questionings, strengthen my belief sysyem.
I did not choose become bereaved.
    I choose to allow good to come out of what is now so severe for me.



LOST POTENTIAL

Last year I attended a workshop presented by a specialist in grief, named Dr. Cable.
Dr Cable said many important things about the grief process, but as a bereaved 
parent one thing stuck in my mind.

He said that if you asked a bereaved person to describe his deceased mother, he will say "Oh, she was so sweet.  Ahe always wore flowered dresses and loved to bake cookies."  But, if you asked a bereaved parent to describe her deceased child, she will say, "Oh, he would be five this year and just starting kindergarten." or "She would be twenty-two this year and graduating from college."

You see, we bereaved parents grieve the lost potential of our children.  Our children don't stop growing in our minds.  We grieve again and anew each year as our child would have been a different age.
                                            Chris Anderson TCF/ Walla Walla WA


Miscarriage

There has been 
    a death in the family.
    No eulogy, no coffin
    No funeral, no black.
And yet, there has been 
    a death in the family.
    No undertaker, no hearse.
    No ceremony, no grave.
And yet, there has most assuredly
    been a death in the family
    No belly, no fullness
    No lifeline, no baby.
There has been a death in the family.
                                                Linda Wasmer Smith, TCF Portlland



Oh, baby, my laughing treasure,
where did you go?
Are you hiding around some corner?
Are you playing beek-a-boo with the sky?

Oh, baby, my loving joy,
where are you now?
Are you at last free of our meddling fingers,
free of our toil and trials?

Are you riding the rainbow's curve, 
dancing on stardusted paths?

Oh, baby, are you sleeping now,
Or has your life only just begun?
Is that your smile I see sparkling in the sun?
Is that your sigh I hear whispering in the leaves?
Are those your tears I feel raining on my cheek?

Oh, baby, so tiny,yet so strong.
Where are you now?
Here, here in my heart, in my very being.
Here in my life...
Oh, baby.. I love you
                                        Darcie Sims, TCF


PLEASE DON'T DISCOUNT SIBLING GRIEF

    I have come to think of sibling grief as "discount grief"   Why?   Because sibling appears to be an emotional bargain in most people's eyes.  People worry so much about the bereaved parents that they invest very little attention in the greieving sibling.
    My personal "favorite" line said to siblings is "you be sure and take care of your parents."  I wanted to know who was supposed to take care of me - I knew that I couldn't.
    The grief of a sibling may differ from that of a parent, but it ought not to be discounted.  People need to realize that while it is obviously painful for parents to have lost a child, it is also painful for the sibling, who has not only lost a sister or brother, but an irreplaceable friend.  While dealing with this double loss, he or she must confront yet another factor.  The loss of a brother or sister is frequestly the surviving siblin's first esperience with the death of a young person.  Young people feel they will live forever.  A strong dose of mortality in the form of a sibling death is very hard to take.
    The feelings of the siblings are also often discounted when decisions are being made - on things ranging from funeral plans to flower selections.  Parents need to listen to surviving siblings who usually know a lot about the tastes and preferences of the deceased.  Drawing on the knowledge that the surviving siblings have about supposedly trivial things- such as favorite clothes or music - can serve two purposes when planning funeral or memorial services.   First, their input helps ensure that the deceased receives the type of service he or she would have liked.  Second, their inclusion in the planning lets them know they are still an important part of the family.  I realize that people are unaware that they are discounting sibling grief.  But then that is why I am writing this - so people will know.  
                                                            Jane Machado, TCF/ Tulane, CA

Suicide 

September 14, 1999

How much I have learned since that horrendous day. 
I've learned that I'm not alone in my grief,
That others have suffered, are suffering and will suffer
The tremendous loss of losing someone they love to suicide.
Two years later I also learned how grief can destroy
When your father, who couldn't deal with his grief,
Decided to end his  pain and suffering too.
I've learned I wasn't as guilty as I had thought at first,
That your decisions are yours alone.
That once made nobody could change it.
And I've learned to stop asking the ""Why?" question -
That question to which only you have the answer.
Some people said that I'd get over losing you in a year.
After that first round of holidays, birthdays, etc.  I'd be fine.
Guess what - Ive learned just how wrong they were.
It's now the 10th year - the 10th year of holidays,  birthdays, etc.
Certainly it's not as heart-wrenching as the 1st year or even the 5th
But I'm still not over losing you and I'm still not "fine".
I'm certainly not the same person I was before this all began.
I guess I've reached a "new normal" though and I'm going on with life.
Even though it's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to endure.
At least now I'm strong enough to help those who follow on this path.
But, oh, how I'd give up all I've learned for just another hour with you.
                                                 by Karen C Kimball,  Hingham MA

       Memories are a legacy
       of hope and courage,
       left to help us go on
       when the giver is gone  

NOT AN EASY WORD

    Hope is not an easy word
        for grievers
    But we, more than most others,
        need to understand
        what hope can mean for us.

    Hope means finding the strength
        to live with grief.

    Hope means nurturing 
        with grace
        the joy of remembrance.

    Hope means embracing with tenderness and pride
        our own life and
        the gifts left to us
        by those we have lost.
                        Sascha from Wintersun

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death.   
They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make.
Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories.
We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having 
shared their love. 
                                    Leo Buscaglia